The Wearing of The Grin
by Chocobo Watcher
Summary: Yet another holiday crackfic. XD Sephiroth dodges, wutai gets even. It's not easy being green. One shot.


Disclaimer: Don't own, don't profit, don't sue. Apologies to corned beef and cabbage day.

This bit of bizarre crackfic is in honor of shamrock shakes. Another holiday bites the dust.

XD

xxxxxxx

"I said **no**, Zackary." "Seeeeeph!" the earnest black-haired soldier wailed. "You promised! The whole **town** is expecting you! They're making a feast including corned gongagan beast and vegetables! Mom and all the women in town stayed up half the night frosting green cupcakes! The President of Shinra even agreed to **not** make a long speech! And don't call me Zachary."

"You know perfectly well why I refuse to attend public events any more. Something happens at my expense, and I wind up having to spend a fortune to clean foul....**substances... out of my hair.**" Sephiroth growled. " Besides, I do not specifically recall exactly when I agreed to attend this.. **hog roast**. You know perfectly well that I am a vegetarian." " First of all, corned beast comes from gongagan cows, not pigs. Secondly, you eat sushi. Fish counts." " They don't have feelings," Sephiroth retorted "so they don't." "No one's asking you to eat the meat."

Sephiroth sighed with annoyance. "That isn't the point. And **why** can't I wear the clothes that I am comfortable in? Green is such a...militant color. I'm going to make general, candidates for general don't **wear** enlisted apparel." "Because it's a **tradition**. And you don't have to wear green everything. Just something nice like a green lapel pin." Zack handed the irritated angel a large, loud green metal button with a clasp on the back. The words "Kiss Me, I'm Gongagan!" were scrawled across the front in big black letters. " Get.. **out**!" the general snarled as he pointed to the door. "I take it then you've reconsidered..." Zack began, only to see Sephiroth hurl the button out the door and into the hallway. "I said GET OUT!" Sephiroth shouted. Zack beat a hasty retreat. Maybe Angeal could help.

Zack hurled himself into the apartment and collapsed on the sofa. "This is turning into a total disaster! Sephiroth won't co-operate, Hojo keeps making lewd suggestions, and last I saw of Aerith she was on her way to Gongaga with a metric TON of Shinra Shamrock decorations." " I told you, pup. You should have talked to Sephiroth about it before now." Angeal said. "I tried!" Zack pouted. "Did you tell him it was a presidential **order**?". Angeal asked. "No." the rejected puppy complained.

" Well, Zack, you apparently have not learned the fine art of bullshittery, or you would have." Angeal stated. " You're not the one Sephiroth will make into chutney the moment he's realized the fact." Zack replied, dryly. " **If** I agree to try and talk him into showing up- even if it is only fashionably late-what do I get out of it?" Angeal said warily. " The adoration of myself, the entire population of Gongaga, and being noted by The President of Shinra as one of the sponsors?" Zack said in his best voice.

"I'm thinking more along the lines of another three months sword polishing duty. Without complaints."

Zack felt like rolling his eyes but chose to sigh instead. "All right, if it'll get Sephiroth to show up, I'll do it." "I can't promise you anything big," Angeal replied "but I think I can get him to put in a cameo.

He waves, we get him a veggie plate, he shoves the food around some and leaves. But that's **it**. If anything , and I mean **anything** goes wrong with Sephiroth- I'm not going to help you out again. And it will be part of your permanent record as well."

xxx

Three days earlier, in a certain dojo in a certain town in Wutai. a young girl could be seen scurrying back and forth at the brewery. She carefully (and secretly) added eyedroppers full of a clear substance to the contents of wooden barrels of a special beer and sake shipment. It was slated for a certain celebration in Gongaga. "This'll teach those Shinra goons! Tribute my butt! Maybe after this they won't be so full of shit." Yuffie cackled breathlessly. If she got it right, this would be a whole lot more entertaining than materia backfire.

"Now remember," she told the flunkies later on, "these two special barrels are for the brass and soldier tables **only**. Be sure to set them up in the specified area. I and the rest of the special wait-staff will handle it. It's potent stuff ."

In true Yuffie style, she was oblivious to the fact that anybody who was anybody in Wutai had been cordially invited to participate in the Gongagan celebration. In celebration of both spring and an end to the war, both sides had agreed to friendly contests, and feasting. Her father had agreed to provide fireworks in exchange for the banquet and safe escort. It was to be a grand affair, and everyone looked forward to it.

xxx

Gongaga was normally a peaceful little hamlet. But in the last few days it had begun to look more and more like a boom town. The whole town was happy to be celebrating the coming of spring, and everyone had thrown themselves into the preparations. Greenery festooned every nook and cranny. Great pits had been excavated for the roasting of meats and the grilling of vegetables. Hogsheads of beer and sake had been imported from wutai, and the local wives and bakers had been turning out piles of cupcakes with green icing.

The festival grounds were full of long wooden tables for the common folk, and white linen tables for the brass. The officials from Wutai sat at brightly lacquered tables they had brought specifically for the festival. A group of pretty wutainese girls in kimono brought food and drink to the official tables. They were let by a small brunette. She wore a gold kimono with an obi that was embroidered with tiny white roses.

"Where **is** he?!" Hojo hissed, looking at his watch. " I don't know," Angeal replied "He should have been here by now!" "I thought you were going to talk him into showing up!" Zack exclaimed in an intense whisper. " I did! I mean, I thought I had." Angeal said. He cursed inwardly and kicked the hologram device under the table as quietly as he could. What was taking the uplink so long? If something failed and the device went off it could be bad for everyone.

Almost at once Sephiroth could be seen making his way towards the soldier banquet table. The would be general appeared suave and confident as usual, and was wearing a rather tasteful emerald necklace and belt buckle. The general quickly found his chair and ignored the plate of vegetarian fare placed in front of him. In fact, Zack would realize later, he never actually **ate** anything.

The President happily cracked open his fortune cookie, pausing to appreciate the perfect ending to a magnificent and hearty meal. Hojo and the others looked on as he slowly drew the decorated little slip of paper into the light, and read the inscription. "Beware of wutainese waitress bearing fortune cookies." He stated boldly, with a look of confusion.

Zack had a momentary brain flash and found himself clenching his teeth. **That's** why the girl in the white rose kimono had looked eerily familiar under the make-up. He suddenly had the feeling that something **bad** was going to happen. Very, very bad. Then the president laughed, and drank his liquor. "Point well taken!" he said. The entire table laughed with him, laughter of relief. It was then that Zack noticed that Sephiroth was nowhere to be seen. Where had he gone?!

Sephiroth watched all of these proceedings from a computer bank high atop the Shinra building. He and Angeal weren't sure that the hologram trick would work. It was all he would allow, given the situation. There was no way in hell Sephiroth was going to let Hojo get away whatever he was planning **this** time. For once his hair would remain safe. Disaster had almost occurred because Angeal had forgotten the uplink, damn him. Angeal, would, of course, accuse him of being paranoid.

The President stood up once again. " I bet he makes a speech." Zack thought, preparing for the worst. Then he noticed that the official looked a little odd. His color began to change. Within a minute his skin had turned to a violent shade of emerald green, as had his hair. He looked for all the world like a fat green fig just might. It was at that moment that Zack discovered he was feeling a trifle **unwell**.

He looked across the table at Angeal. He was no longer there. In his place stood a large green chocobo with a look of complete bafflement on its face. And next to him- where Hojo should be- was a large green worm. Within two minutes every person at the Shinra brass and soldier tables had been transformed into some kind of animal, fiend or bright green nightmare. The common people at the wooden tables roared with laughter, taking this to be some sort of colossal entertainment for their benefit. At that moment the green chocobo who had been Angeal noticed that the green worm that was Hojo looked exceptionally delectable and went after it. Pandemonium ensued.

And high above, safely tucked away in his lofty tower, Sephiroth celebrated dodging another bullet with the wearing of the grin. He did feel sorry for Angeal just a tad but he really hoped the bird would catch up with Hojo, even if he wasn't truly responsible. The sleep he slept that night was sweet. Hopefully the pranks would end now. That would teach Angeal to call him paranoid. :).

Nine hours later, after he had helped round up and apply curative potions to countless soldiers, Zack lay prostrate on his bed. The hurling was violent and med staff had informed him that he was lucky he had only had one glass of beer. Lazard, who had been changed into a billy goat, was proving resistive to being cured. And Angeal was so embarrassed by his behavior that he was refusing to leave his apartment.

Worse still, Aerith had a wardrobe malfunction during the talent competition for Miss Green Gongaga Festival, resulting in catcalls of "Aerith Go Braless!" He would have suggested that she enter. Now she wasn't speaking to him. Zack groaned as he staggered to the lavatory for the 17th time. Angeal would have him polishing swords for eternity by way of excuse. But Sephiroth had been wrong about Hojo. It wasn't his fault this time. Zack just hoped that the peace negotiations weren't shot. Somehow the entire Wutai delegation was unaffected. Domo Kisaragi said that he had a pretty good idea who the culprit was, but refused to elaborate. The festival was one for the books, all right. It would be remembered long after those who attended were gone.

fin


End file.
